Revolving Doors, Bears, and Pop Culture

6 different times. Fiiiiiive Jersey towns. 4 central counties.  Treed by state officials. Over just 2 years. And always the same bear. (If you read that line to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas," you'll chuckle.)

A couple weeks ago, bear authorities in the state of New Jersey took down the same bruin they had nabbed five times previously.  Talk about your revolving door system.  How hard must be trials and tribulations of the ursine inhabitation quest?  What are they looking for? Good schools?  Access to public transportation?  Low property taxes?  Not here in the great state of New Jersey.

Just how small has the list of options for Location! Location! Location! in the bear world become?

Let’s face it.  New Jersey carries with it a connotation of over-development.  The Garden State has become a punch line - famous for its highways and byways, parkways and parking lots, strip malls and strip clubs.  There even exists the perception that the real Jersey shore is covered with garbage, due in no small part to MTV’s portrayal of the Jersey Shore garbage.

When my family, all of whom reside in rural New England, consider coming to visit, it is their notions of my adoptive home state, fueled by media and pop culture images of factories, traffic, and murder that make them opt to just stay in their quiet, picturesque, safe homes and Skype their visitation.

The truth of the matter is that there is a premium for quality land in this state.  The bear needs to understand that unless he’s willing to get down to South Jersey – another state entirely – every spare bit of land has been tagged – parlance a bear really can relate to – for some sort of residential dwelling or commercial development.  No wonder the bear has been forced from his habitat and finds himself trying to make a go of the morning rush on 18 out of East Brunswick.  Quite frankly, the real wonder is how he’s managed to live this long whilst dodging the ever-present traffic and profiling tactics of animal law enforcement.

Maybe they put this bear in a zoo.  Maybe he meets a nice girl bear.  Someone who gets him.  Someone who has been there.  Maybe they start a family in some remote corner of the Turtleback bear exhibit – nice amenities there.  At the very least, he avoids further run-ins with the bear 5-0.  It could be good for him.  After all, it’s just a matter of time before he confuses a toddler for an amuse bouche and finds real trouble.  Or – worse yet – he comes across a gun-wielding, jersey-licious Real Housewife and can’t be caught a seventh time.

Fin.

(Summer 2011)